"Budda-budda-budda! I shot you!" "No you didn’t and anyway I was wearing a bulletproof vest!" "Is it laser proof?" "Yes, duh." "Oh." And so on. (Turns out his vest wasn’t grenade proof and he was blown up in the end.) But yes, balmy summer days pretending to be a soldier, and cosy winter days playing with green plastic soldiers frozen in one pose: it was so long ago. But look how far we’ve come, look how we’ve grown. We can play at being soldier in so many different ways, and the latest different way is with a friend, on a screen, helping each other do stuff. With gusto.

After Army Of Two’s little hiccup and subsequent delay, two whole things have changed as far as we can tell since the dubious preview code we played a while back. There’s a little less swearing for starters, it felt far too gratuitous before but now it’s not just as jarring. But the best change to have occurred is the removal of the revival system.

The stupid old one which had you facepalming at the mere suggestion of it had one player mashing buttons to perform CPR and the other one walking towards the light. It was glib, irritating and in no way added to the game. And with its removal you’d think you’d then be up for a brilliant non-stop bit of blasting that is specifically designed for you and a friend to enjoy... ah no, you’re not going to find that here.

This is partly down to all the head butting, ‘hurring’ and ‘hoo-hahing’ that goes on between the two main characters, Salem and Rios. They hoo and hah at the simplest things, you might have just destroyed a mine that might have temporarily wounded you but this results in a metaphorical back slapping of the highest order. You can actually act out these moments of male bonding with a button press, you can also reprimand your army buddy with a slap, but other than looking silly it has no advantage whatsoever. It’s not like you’re taunting the enemy and receiving a reward for it. You’re just hoo-hahing at each other for barely any reason. In real life it’d be like getting a high five for taking a piss and only splashing your shoes a wee bit. Totally pointless.

And it’s partly down to the complete impossibility of relating to either character. You hate them by the end of the first level because they’re being whiny bitches, even the big one, then you hate them after that for becoming workers for a Private Military Company. Companies which are getting used in real life, and that leaves a bad taste in the mouth because these people aren’t out to make the world a better place or defend their country, they’re just in it for the money, they’re not accountable in the same way as a government army and lots of bad sh*t is getting through the... ah, this is not really the place for that kind of talk.

… continued